Dearest Teresa
by Miss Peg
Summary: The suicide note left by Teresa Lisbon's dad.


**Title: **Dearest Teresa  
**Author:** **miss_peg**  
**Rating: **K+  
**Summary:** The suicide note left by Teresa Lisbon's dad.  
**Notes:** Written for the Paint It Red monthly challenge for January 2013 for the prompt Letters. Though I didn't want to go for the literal route I already had this story in my head last year, so I'm glad I finally managed to write/re-write it.

Dearest Teresa,

When we brought you home from the hospital, a bundle of pink skin and dark curls, I expected your life to be filled with so much love; laughter, tears, even heartbreak because the pain would be worth it for the happy moments we knew you'd grow up with. From the moment I laid my eyes on you, you were my guide. I didn't know how to be a father at that point; it was with your fingers wrapped tightly around my thumb that I learned how to be a dad, your dad. Then your brothers came along and I had so much love to share between you; my angel and my three little boys. Some dads feel disappointed when they get a girl, like they can't teach them football or show them how to ride a bike – we sure showed them. Not me, I knew you were important, as the girl. I knew you'd be special; the one who'd look out for her brothers, who'd watch the world go by with such hope and expectation, and strength too. I've never a met a girl as strong as you – not even your mother and she birthed you all.

When your mom died, when things changed, I knew deep down that you'd be alright. You were that kind of kid, always looking out for everyone ahead of yourself; shouting at your brothers for not doing their chores, making them do their homework. You were a surrogate mom to them long before you felt you had to be.

The day we found out about the accident, my heart broke apart in a way I can't even begin to describe. I hope that one day you'll know about love but that you'll never know just how painful it is to lose someone you care about as deeply as I cared about your mom. Or to watch your children grow up without the love of both of their parents cloaking them in everything they deserve.

I know you lost me the day that your mom died and for that, I am so incredibly sorry, baby. I didn't want to fall apart as much as I did, I didn't want that future for you and if I could change the last few years, I would in a heartbeat.

But I can't. I can't fix the mess I made of what was left of your childhood, of your brothers'. I can't bring your mom back and I can't bring back the part of me that died the day she did.

All I can do is thank you for taking on what you did, being the parent in a house filled with chaos. I hate that I pushed you into that, though I am so proud of what you did for us all. You saved me in ways you will never understand. I know that I didn't treat you well. I made mistakes which I could blame on alcohol but I know that nothing will ever excuse the things I did to you or the boys. Just know that without you by my side the last few years, things would have been a lot worse.

I only wish that your love and support was enough to get me through the rest of my days. I can't bear to think about what I did to my babies, to you, Teresa.

That's why this is the only way I can make it right. I can't change the past but I can change your future and I want you to know that this is my way of giving you your best shot in life. If I didn't do it now I know that it would only be a matter of time before I killed someone, if not myself, because of the drink.

Remember what I taught you, my baby girl. The songs I sang to you each night; sing them to Joey because he'll need you more than ever now. Help Tommy with his homework. You're a smart girl; you probably know better than me what mess he's in, he's got time to change and you can help him. Get him through school; if that's the only thing you do for him. And James, he's going to act like he can handle what's coming in life but he's going to need his big sister more than he realises. He's not like the other boys, I think you know why, I think he knows too, but he's not quite accepted it yet. Look after him.

Finally, for you my beautiful girl, don't be everything at the same time. You can't cook the dinner, help with homework and stop fights. You might think you're capable of it, but after a couple months it'll wear you down. Take time for yourself because no matter what responsibility you feel over the family, you'll always have someone wanting to help. Mrs Goodwin across the road, she may not be the nicest of ladies but she loved watching you grow up and I know she'd help if you just asked her.

This is not the life I wanted for you or your brothers. But it's the life you've got. That won't be much comfort to you when the cops come knocking on the door, or when Joey is crying himself to sleep. But when you're older and you're living on your own, maybe you'll understand. For a life that's turned out the way it has, it doesn't need to be so bad. You can come back from this and you can be everything you ever wanted to be, my love. Live your dreams; excel at something and one day, maybe you'll know the love that I had for you.

Forever,

Dad x


End file.
